These Terms and Conditions regulate when you (“HUSBAND”) may tell me (“WIFE”) about your day. These Terms and Conditions are in effect immediately after you step over the threshold of our shared domicile and are binding in perpetuity.
1. FIRST MINUTE
If HUSBAND enters the domicile and sees or hears one or more children yelling, fighting, whining, grabbing, pinching or demanding parental intervention by stretching the word “Mom” into two interminable syllables, he is prohibited from telling WIFE about his day. He is further obliged to recall that fateful moment six years earlier when he and WIFE considered which parent would shift to a part-time schedule during the early childhood years.
2. BASIC NEEDS
If HUSBAND enters the domicile and one or more children are hungry, unbathed, tired or running away from the potty in terror, he is prohibited from telling WIFE about his day. If WIFE is hungry, unbathed or tired because Jacob had his recurring Bobgoblin nightmare the previous night, HUSBAND is similarly prohibited from telling WIFE about his day and is also contractually obligated not to say, “You look tired.”