Republican candidate Donald Trump has reportedly told advisors that no one in the world can understand what he’s going through right now, with the exception of Hillary Clinton.
“My accomplishments don’t matter anymore,” Trump is said to have lamented to his staff. “The tremendous enthusiasm I’ve generated counts for nothing. My beating the odds to get here is rendered insignificant. Because all anyone cares about are some dumb mistakes I made years ago. And weirdly, the only person who can really understand how that feels is Hillary.”
Trump was dejected, according to inside sources, about the release of a 2005 recording in which he denigrates women, and about subsequent accusations of sexual assault that were made against him. Trump’s vulgar words on the 2005 recording, which are part of a traditional ritual where two men compete over who can be the biggest rapey douchebag, have been disseminated as widely as the footage of Clinton fainting after a 9/11 ceremony last month. According to sources close to the Republican candidate, fainting and bragging about sexual assault are more or less the exact same thing.